The Battle Field

Dear Friends from Blog Land,

Firstly, thank you for your very supportive comments,I don't even know some of you and yet we're connecting and caring ...WOW!!!

This week was okay! I decided not to step on the scale today for fear of not continuing this blog.You see ,this has been a life long battle that I have lost at more times than I care to mention and although blogging about it is good it also brings the battle to the field and exposes old wounds.I realized today that the scale not only weighs my weight but it also weighs my worth and that's a sad lie I've been living with since I was a little girl.Oh that poor little girl just trying to please others when all along she was acceptable just the way she was.This is very emotional for me right now,I'll stop and finish later.
These are times of healing ,although painful they are necessary and cleansing.Its during these times that God shows me that I was never alone ,even though I didn't know him as a child He knew me and He did love me just the way I was. I can see His protection on me through the joy I see in my children because without it I could have become an angry bitter woman and not known how to love my children unconditionally.THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!
As I continue with my " 30 day after 7 thing " I'll keep in mind that I'm not alone on that field and that today, part of the battle has already been won.VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!!
Angie

Strange Connection

Hi People that read blogs,

This past week was interesting in many ways.The not eating after 7pm was harder than I thought it would be .The first two nights I was kind of frustrated ,I was feeling sorry for myself,I felt restricted so although thoughtfully chosen ,I cheated. Then on the third night I felt this strange connection to the bloggers . Knowing that only my one friend reads this ; my strange connection was that there was someone secretly wondering if Id be able to do this. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant to the fact that writing this out loud is helping me stay on track. So needless to say the rest of the week went well. After 7pm I had a water bottle in hand and sipped to my hearts content, this really helped.I weighed in on Wed. and to my surprised had lost 5lbs......I know!!!!Can you believe it. So obviously I will continue this until it becomes a habit and we don't even have to talk about it.

On the deeper side of this not eating after 7 thing ..... There was this element of fasting that began to take place , a sense of denying the flesh and in that God began to reveal things to me. He showed me how good my body was ,not by the worlds standards but by how it has functioned so efficiently for me for 43 years. How my body is strong ,it never lets me down when I'm lifting and working, Its healthy ,I rarely get sick and when I do it heals itself very quickly ,I'm able to walk a good distance and my heart and lungs tell me I can run its just the weight that puts too much pressure on my joints. Overall I have little to complain about and I feel blessed that God showed me that the very thing I have detested about myself ( my body) is the very thing I should be praising God for what a GREAT job He did on His creation.....ME!!!!

For a total computer dummy this whole experience is a very STRANGE CONNECTION!!

Looking forward to next week........ Angie

First Blog-About me

Hi Blog World,

I had to pray long and hard as to if and why I wanted to share this journey I,m about to begin. It,s a secret pain that I carry for all the world to see. It's a way that people judge me, it's like an emotional barometer ,is she good is she bad?Is she happy is she sad? Is her life doing well Oh no it couldn't,t be she,s fat!!Yes, I'm obviously talking about my weight. And what a weight it has been.

I actually didn't know I had a weight problem until my mother brought me to weight watchers when I was 11. It was there that I realized that my size wasn't acceptable.This began my quest for acceptance .Funny thing happened, I GOT FATTER !So the next best thing to win them over was being the best behaved,the nicest,the most helpful,the most responsible,the best worker,the best friend, the best christian, the best mom, the best wife, oh let's just say it SUPER WOMAN!!!! I have to say a lot of good came from this quest ,I have a lot of people in my life that genuinely love me and do accept me for who I am (fat or not).So here is why I've chosen to share my upcoming journey because although many people love me .... do I LOVE ME? Do YOU LOVE YOU? Maybe together we can get to the bottom of this.

Here the confession part. I just recently weighed myself and at 43 years old I weigh more than I did with any of my 3 pregnancies.There is such a feeling of shame with this and I know there are people out there that feel the same way.It's Feb 11 and I way 252 lbs. There ,I told you , it actually feels good not to hide it anymore.

This not a blog full of "things that worked for me"or I know the answer because obviously I don't. It's about beginning to love myself enough to want to get healthy and by journaling publicly and feeling like I'm connecting to others that may feel the same way will help me stay on track.

I am not the most disciplined person(OBVIOUSLY) so my first plan of action was to figure out when and why I ate the most . For me it's after supper and usually because I'm sitting down and feeling restless.The only emotional connection I can think of is that maybe subconsciously I feel as though I should always be doing something ( must be that Martha Syndrome I have ) so I eat. I don't know,anyway,I'm going stop eating after 7pm. My good friend suggested one thing at a time every 30 days so that's my "one thing" . I'll write at least once a week if not more because this change will surely surface some emotion that eating has suppressed.

ANGIE